she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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