Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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