i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How does one acquire holy water?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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