the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
