you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Are my feet made of real feet?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
