My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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