I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
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I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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