mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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