Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
