the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize