Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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