Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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