I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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