masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
