you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
