moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
