Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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