Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
