I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
