I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize