I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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