i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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