I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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