You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
