I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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