Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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