He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
