I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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