You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
