Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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