I skipped work to stalk him.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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