Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
