I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
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is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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