my shit smells like andre
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
