my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
