Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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