Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
