I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
