i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
