Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
