i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
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She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on