in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
