Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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