You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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