come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
