This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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