I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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