help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
