fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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