I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
