All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
