I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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