Michael Bay diarrhea
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let's get the cat blown out
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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