Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
